Unconventional Happiness

There are days when I question myself, when I wonder, “Am I truly happy…or are all of my adventures just a distraction, a place-holder until I can figure out what it is that I actually want?

In the days prior to a trip, I sometimes get a panicky feeling.  Like something is off, and it makes me wonder various things: am I forgetting something? What is going to go wrong? Why am I going on this trip? Does all this angst mean that I would rather be home?  This last question resonates with this trip more so than my previous ones.  This question never crossed my mind on previous trips, but for some reason it has made itself at home in the shadowed recesses of my day-dreaming brain.   

I am 26.  Far from ‘old,’ but also beyond the boundaries of childhood (as much as I try to fight that).  Most of my friends and people my age are employed, have a permanent home address, and are in a serious relationship. They have meaningful careers – there is room for growth within their companies, they get a yearly salary, they have benefits, and wear something other than perpetually stained Wrangler jeans to work.  In my chosen job, head wrangler is about the highest accolade I can get; I get a monthly salary (which is kind of sad when you break it down to an hourly wage); I get workers’ compensation if I get tossed off a horse; and my work wardrobe consists of faded jeans and flannel shirts. Other people my age are renting apartments, or have even bought a house with a mailbox out front.  My mail is scattered between Virginina, Colorado, and Wyoming.  I got confused when asked what my address is when applying for a new driver’s license.  Finally, when I look around at other people my age, they have years-long boyfriends, are getting engaged, and some are already married.  I am rolling solo and surrounded by 20-something-year-old rafting guides who speak their own language and weathered cowboys on the other end of the age spectrum.

 Point being, my life is vastly different than most of my friends and other people my age.  And when I contemplate these differences – usually while on the back of a horse spacing out while on a trail ride – I take on one of two attitudes: contentment or jealousy.  Nine times out of ten, I get the former feeling.  I love my job, I’m paid to work with horses, I constantly meet new people, and am outside all day…unless it’s freezing cold and raining, then I’m usually hunkered down and miserable. But usually, contentment and gratitude overwhelm me when I think of the life that I am blessed to live.  However, the other 10% of the time, a form of jealousy takes over me.  Envious of those who know what they want in life – what kind of career, where to live, etc – and have achieved it.  When I compare myself to those people, I sometimes feel like a floundering, flaky, indecisive individual.  It is at these moments that I try to convince myself that I want the same things, aka, a steady job, permanent address, and maybe even someone to date.   Sometimes I even try to imagine myself in a new place, with a different job, maybe even wearing heels to work. 

And then I start feeling down.  And then I feel confused because I can’t figure out why I feel sad.  And then I get frustrated because I can’t figure out what I want and what will make me happy.  And then I circle back around to feeling down.  It is a vicious cycle that can sometimes last a few hours, sometimes a few days, and even sometimes (rarely) a week or two.  And every time, when I escape this cycle, I end up at the same conclusion: that I am happy.  That I do love my job.  That I am incredibly fortunate to live the life that I do. 

For the past few weeks, I have been going through this cycle over and over and over.  I have gotten to a point in my life where I have genuinely (rather than thinking it just because that is what is ‘expected’ of a 26-year-old girl) started to kinda sorta want these ‘normal’ things.  However, I also want to adventure, and ride horses, and be outside! I am filled with conflicting emotions and goals, and believe that this is what has lead to that ‘angsty’ feeling that I have been experiencing.  After consulting numerous people to seek advice, I have yet to reach a conclusion about my future and what I want it to hold.  For the moment, I have resolved to live in the moment and do what I know for sure makes me happy: traveling.  And so, I am off to South America. 

Over the next few months I will be traveling through Argentina, to Chile, to the Galapagos Islands, to Ecuador, and finally to Peru to meet my mom for the climax of the trip: hiking to Machu Picchu! Although I have not resolved the issue of my future and what I really want to do, I do know that this will be the trip of a lifetime and will most definitely bring me joy.  Hopefully you will follow along for this crazy ride.

:) Rochelle

#1 mom dropping off her favorite daughter at the airport